reader discretion is advised.


Oh hey there. Yes it's been much too long since I've blogged. Why? ... well  it's certainly not due to a lack of excitement in my life events... lets see:

  • I quit my job
  • I travelled
  • I reeeeally got my craft-on
  • I even had surgery!

Oh, and not to mention,  I recently found out (as in within the last month) that my wife and I will be moving to London on February 25th (Yes London! WOAH!).

It's not like I'm out of material ... Heck, I could have even finally shared my much anticipated delicious camping treat recipe mentioned in a previous post. Again why? Well, I blame it on the fact that I quit my job.

Now this wasn't just any job - this was pretty much my dream job. It all went down in December. It was all so very depressing for me. That's why I haven't been back here. For some reason I didn't want to write about anything that was truly bringing me down.  I like to make light of things that happen to me in my life and to try to be funny about them; it's kind of my "thing." So blogging about my job story was just not sitting right. But anytime I thought about blogging, my mind always wandered to this topic.

Truth is: it IS happening and it IS all a part of my beautiful mess, so why hold back? In part, I don't want you to be reading a post by me and feel sad or, even worse, pity me. But clearly I must purge this story to move forward. ... I figure it fair of me to give you a formal warning:

This blog post contains anecdotes that some readers may find depressing. 
Reader discretion is advised.

So heart failure sucks. And having your dreams ripped away really sucks. I wanted to be a Psychologist. I was going to be a Psychologist. I got sick. I found out that Psychology is a field that I can NEVER work in. It's all about stress, and that field is considered high stress and therefore, on my NO list. I didn't know this until 2010 though. I was one semester away from completing my Masters in Psychology when my heart started being a jerk. Nonetheless, I graduated. I accepted a job, and I was getting things in order to begin the registration process to officially become a Psychologist. Booyah.

The job I got was as a community rehabilitation outreach coordinator with a local non-profit agency focused on mental health. It was a pretty sweet gig for sure. But I was finding it really exhausting. Like really. I'm talking how you might feel if you were to stay up until 3 am every week night, and still work 9-5 all week, exhausted. (Assuming that's not your normal.) So I decided to try a different position with the same agency. My new job was in the education department and I went to local schools and taught students about mental health. I thoroughly enjoyed this, but again was just so tired. Meanwhile, I was constantly missing work for Dr's appointments, hospital visits and cardiac rehabilitation. It was through the cardiac rehabilitation program  that I received my Occupational Therapy Assessment. And lo and behold ... I found out I can't ever be a Psychologist. Ever. Actually, apparently I am only "capable" of working 20 hours a week at a low impact job with basically, zero stress. Ugh. This was heartbreaking, pardon the pun ... but not really ;)

Since then (2010), I have tried to work several part time jobs. I couldn't keep up with the education position at the agency; I figured it was because the job itself couldn't be compounded into part time hours. I couldn't keep up in retail; I figured it was because the Christmas rush. I couldn't keep up in direct sales, I figured it was because I'm a perfectionist. And there were a few others... In all of these positions, my Type-A self struggled to accept my hourly limitations, so I inadvertently ended up working full time or feeling inadequate - both of which drove my wife nuts.

Most recently, I couldn't keep up at my dream job at a Psychology firm; I figured it was because ... *insert any reason/excuse here* ... I can brainstorm tons of reasons why this wasn't the right job for me yada-yada-yada. But, ultimately, it was because of my heart failure. My bosses knew all about my health and were so accommodating. They did everything they could to reduce any stress I may have, they were extremely flexible with my schedule and they were  always really understanding of my limitations. And not to mention - I absolutely loved what I was doing! But still, I couldn't keep up.

So the moral of today's post is that I don't think I can hold down a job. And this is something that I am having a really hard time accepting. The over-achiever in me is struggling with this new found sense of ... uselessness.
  • yes, I have looked into jobs where I work from home
  • no, I do not qualify for any type of financial compensation through disability
So as mentioned above - we are relocating to London. The plan there is for me not to work. I have no idea how that's going to go (And have already been job searching. Hmmmm). You would think that I would simply be able to accept that my health comes first and that it's not a big deal to not be able to work .... but it is something that I struggle with on a daily basis.

So... wish me luck in my new job - ME!

P.S. That's London Ontario, not London England hehe.
P.P.S. I feel bad leaving you with all these not so warm and fuzzy feelings so I decided to share my recipe for a delicious early grey latte, a.k.a. Jessie's London Fog

1 comment:

  1. I was so excited for you when I read London. And then, the let-down. Canada not England. Best wishes anyway, though.